Bike, Run, Swim

Pride, Prejudice, and Training

I don’t think you can take up a sport or training of some kind and not be proud, and you should be.  A lot of hard work goes into getting up every day and getting it done.  Pride, however can also be damaging.  I am a perfect example of that.  I am one of those people that is often to proud to ask for help.  I am also too proud to admit when I need to take it easy or slow down a bit.  I have big goals, and there is nothing wrong with that, but I also need to admit to myself where I am in my training and ability.  It’s tough because that can vary, even by the day.

I have shifted my training a bit, because I realized that I am possibly going to struggle more on race day if I don’t adjust the way things are scheduled.  Most of my training happens between 5am and 6am.  I get up, get dressed and head out.  If the training is long, I will bring a gel and have that while out, but I am done with training on weekdays by 6 and some weekends by 7 or 8.  That’s good in that I get it done nice and early, but bad in that the conditions at that time in the morning are much easier on the body than they would be at say 9am.  When was just running, it wasn’t as much of a big deal because on long run days, I still got the feel of what the heat was like and most long races start at 6am anyway, but for triathlon it is different.

The triathlon starts the first swim wave right about 7am.  I am not sure what order they go in, but I could very well be starting at 8am for all I know.  That would likely lead to my running anywhere from 8am to 10am depending on the start and how well I finish the other two disciplines.  That also means that I need to eat the morning of the race.  I need to have already had something to get my body moving and stay moving before the start.  Then, I need to ensure that I keep those energy stores ready and going through the even.  I decided to go out later on the weekend training sessions and start eating and maybe having coffee or something before I head out.  Better to find out what doesn’t work on a training day than race day.

The other morning, I had a 10 mile bike ride scheduled.  I was on the fence about if I was looking forward to it or not.  Part of me was, part of me was not.  I got up at 4:30 as usual and had a cup of coffee.  I wasn’t sure how that was going to work out as coffee can “get things moving” for me, if you know what I mean.  I figured I would try to have a gel before I headed out and the another when I got back as I was going to do a walk/run right after with a friend.  The coffee did it’s job and I was relieved that I felt good to go when it was time to head out at 6am.

For this morning’s ride, I wanted to try to keep a good pace and see where I thought my time would be in the race.  The challenge is that in training, I have a few intersections so having to stop is a must.  I set the Garmin to auto pause the timer, so that stops would not be counted in the total time.  I headed out feeling great.  I got on the bike and started out really strong.  About a mile in, I had to get myself to slow down a bit as I was too afraid I would burn myself up in the first half and have a hard time heading back home.

My legs were great, my cadence was high (for me) and I was going pretty fast (again, for me)!  I was so happy with my performance.  I barely had to stop for a light and was headed to the halfway point.  I decided to give myself a burst of pleasure by looking down to see where my time was.  You see, in the past it has taken me anywhere from 45-48 minutes to do about 10 miles.  I was almost where I would turn around and I assumed I was under 20, I mean I was flying for crying out loud.  So proud…..until I looked down and saw 22 and change on the clock.

Seriously?!  No way!  How could this be happening?  I mean, I was feeling good, I was flying.  Apparently, feeling good or like you are flying does not actually constitute going any faster than a day where you are not feeling great but are pushing hard.  Even though the math would not support it, surely my average speed was near that of sound….. ok maybe not, 13.6 mph.  I was immediately defeated.  It took me a moment to shake that off.

Maybe I did the right thing?  Maybe I slowed down to conserve energy to kick the crap out of the second half.  At least, that is what I tried convincing myself of.  I hit the turn around point and did my best not to just stop and cry it out.  Suck it up, conquer that inner biotch.  I pedaled and just tried to focus on smooth strokes and getting home.  I was either going to do well or I wasn’t but I just wanted to get back home at this point.

Turns out that second half was a little better and I did it in 20 with an average of 14.9 mph.  Pride got in the way at first.  I hear Han Solo every time I think: “Don’t get cocky” but that is what I did.  I assumed that since I felt good and had held back in other sessions that I had it in the bag.  When I saw I didn’t, pride almost got in the way again and I almost didn’t push as hard.  In the end it worked out well.  I set a PR for myself.  That time may not be great for others, but for me it is something to work with and my goal is to achieve that after a swim that terrified me.

Miriam-Webster defines prejudice as an adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge.  That is me with swimming.  Before even really trying I was already dead set against my ability to do it well.  So much so, that my goal all along was to just survive it and not get a DNF after all this hard work.  I have been focusing primarily on the bike and run.  I love the run, so that is easy and the bike is almost as much fun as the run… but the swimming not so much.

My brain has gotten in the way of my swimming so much so, that I always go into it with a negative stream of thoughts.  Just get in, and get it done.  Train enough that you believe you can finish without drowning and we are good.  The last swim practice I had at the pool went pretty well.  It was one of those days where although I did not want to go (I never do), I went and I was pretty relaxed.  I did not reach any really goal but I went and got it done.  I put in the yards I had to and headed home.  For all intensive purposes it went fine.  Maybe I would start to get cocky again and that could help?

I went out again this morning with the expectation that, while I did to enjoy it,  I would get in and get it done again.  I was sorely mistaken.  I got in and did a side drill which went fine.  I did not bring the zoomers this time, I just wanted to be au natural.  I started off on my first freestyle lap.  I felt pretty good, but when I hit the end of the lap, which was just 25 yards, I realized how out of breath I was.  I tried again and again to alter when I took the breath, how I took the breath, how long I exhaled, nothing helped.  My brain took over and told me that I was not capable of this today.

I was only about halfway through, only 200 meters/yards done and I was utterly defeated.  I wanted to call it a day.  I wanted to get out, go to my car and cry.  I just wanted to be done.  I wanted to chalk it up to a bad training day and let it go.  I grabbed the edge of the pool to pull myself out and then stopped myself.  What if it was race day?  What if race day was this crappy?  What would I do?  How would I finish?  There were only two possible answers.  I would quit and not finish, or I would have to figure out a way to finish, even if the way was not ideal.

I decided to stay in the pool.  My new goal for today was to just keep going.  Even if I had to be on my back, my side, whatever it took just to finish the last 200.  That’s exactly what I did.  I’m not super proud of achieving that goal.  I did most of it on my back, so that I would not hyperventilate.  I didn’t do any of it well, and I certainly must have looked a hot mess trying over and over again to get into a good freestyle stride, only to have to flip onto my back again to breathe calmly again.

I finally hit the last lap and stayed at the edge of the pool again.  I started to just gaze out into nothing, trying to catch my breath and hold back tears.  That’s when i looked over and saw a swim group warming up.  I looked at all the different faces of the people in the group.  Some looked so excited to be there, others a little scared.  The group was made up of varied special needs folks.  Some were old, some were young.  The coach got them all into lanes and got them started on their swims.  I was blown away by how focused and determined they were.  I have no idea what their skill levels were.  I have no idea what fears they have or did’t have.  I could tell that some didn’t want to be there, even more than me.  Others were so grateful and excited to be there.

I decided in that moment to stop feeling sorry for myself.  I did just two more laps and collected my things.  I headed over to shower to rinse off.  When I was done and turned around, Kristie the swim coach was standing there.  She said she didn’t realize it was me down in that lane or she would have watched and gave me some tips.  I told her I was doing a little better but still had problems slowing down and end up hyperventilating to a certain extent.  I told her I would probably benefit from another session or two.  She told me about a ladies group swim every Sunday and introduced me to one of the ladies in the group, Sandy.  I told her I would absolutely love to join in.  I needed it.

I did cry when I got back to my car.  Sometimes you just need to let it out, or at least I do.  Today was very humbling and taught me many lessons that I am grateful for.  First and foremost not to take things for granted.  Being proud of accomplishments is fine, but being too proud to accept help or seek it out is not.  One good training day does not mean that you are ready.  I have been so scared of the swim that I was too frightened to have a real goal other than to finish.  I am very dismissive of the swim.  Almost cocky in assuming that I will finish and don’t need to consider it as anything more than a necessary evil.  I haven’t been accepting of the fact that to love triathlon, you have to train for all of its parts, you have to accept everything that comes with it and you have to understand that every part is equally important.  Sure, you might be better at one than other, but they are all important.

Most importantly, I learned to be grateful.  Grateful that I am healthy and able to train for three very challenging disciplines on their own, yet alone all together.  I am grateful for a supportive family that puts up with, and works around my training schedule.  I have only 4 weeks left to train and I have learned more than ever that the time I have is valuable.  I have a new focus these next few weeks.  Yes, I need to train on the bike and on the run, but my calendar is going to swim centric from this point on.  No more swim prejudice.  The swim has now become the most important part of my training and its a challenge that, for the first time, I am embracing.

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