It’s been a while since we had a heart to heart about us. I know our relationship is complex, complicated even, but lately it has been downright miserable. We were doing well there for a while. I had committed to you, and we were spending more and more time together as the weeks progressed. I thought things were good, but in the last couple weeks I have looked forward to our time together less and less. I don’t know where it went wrong or how it went so bad so quickly, but I know that it wasn’t good. Each time we got together you irritated me, hurt me, even.
Last week I was so looking forward to spending both my Saturday and Sunday morning with you. It would be some of the longest miles we had done together in a long time. You left me stunned Saturday when you clearly did not want things to go well. From the moment we got together you invaded my thoughts and made me question why I wanted to be with you in the first place. You irritated me, causing me literal pains and doubt. I didn’t enjoy my time with you, yet I had a goal. We got through but I was no longer eagerly anticipating our time Sunday. As expected, you let me down yet again. Not even halfway through our planned time together you pushed my buttons. You decided to pierce my hip with what felt like a white hot dagger. You did this repeatedly until I could not take it anymore, thus also breaking my heart. You reminded me of why so many people say they hate you. Even worse, you caused me to spiral into self doubt. Why do I do this? Why did I make plans to run 50 miles? Why did I think I could tolerate you for an entire day when I couldn’t even tolerate you for a couple hours? Why did I think we could be together without you hurting me?
I have always told myself to never give up on something when it’s at its worst. If I no longer loved a hobby, that was ok but I could not quit it was rough. So I planned to try to approach the training week with as open a mind as possible. Bad times happen, but they generally don’t last forever, right? I was pretty disappointed when we got together that Tuesday. You irritated me again. I took an extra rest day, just put some space between us, hoping distance would make the heart grow fonder. Friday wasn’t great but I thought the chill 45 minutes we had scheduled for Saturday would give us time to just cruise together. That was the longest 45 minutes I can recall. From the moment we got together I wanted to get away from you. I walked some just to get a break. The thoughts becoming more and more invasive. Why did I want this? I felt like a pendulum. I started our journey together full of doubt. I never thought we could be good together. I was not a runner. That pendulum had swung. I was a runner. I loved you. I felt like we were meant to be. So much so that I signed up to spend a full day with you, running a distance three times anything I had done before. Now that pendulum swung the other way, more in the negative than it had been in a long time. I questioned not only myself, but why I ever let myself even think I could do this. Yesterday, I was left in utter despair.
I gave our relationship a lot of thought. Did I really love you? Or was it fear of missing out if I no longer ran? Were you really good for me? Did I have any part in our latest downfall? How could I repair this relationship? Did I even want to? The more I thought about it, the more I started to realize how complex our relationship really is. It made me realize that I wasn’t blameless either. Lately I haven’t fueled our relationship as well as I have in the past, both literally and figuratively. I don’t show you enough appreciation. I go on auto-pilot, checking boxes more than anything lately. I stopped remembering why I wanted to run in the first place. I no longer spent time thinking about all the good things you do for me. Before the night was over, I was able to climb the emotional ladder of sorts. I was able to go from despair, to doubt, to fear, to understanding, and to hope. Hope that I could repair our relationship.
I made a plan for our time together. It was a multi-faceted plan, one that almost mirrors the complexity of our relationship. First, I was going to do everything possible to set our time together up for success. I had a solid dinner. I prepared my favorite long run gear. I followed my night time routine of my dream cocoa, followed my a grounding meditation. I went to bed on time. In the morning, I applied some defenses to the areas you like to hurt. I ate and hydrated. I warmed up. I got my favorite electrolytes and water and headed out the door. Next was my strategy for our time together. I was going to ignore my watch, which sometimes adds to my irritation with you. I was not going to worry about pace. My goal was to enjoy our time together. And though I had my headphones just in case, I was not planning to wear them. I was planning to focus only on you and how I felt when we were together. The next part of my plan was to get back to the basics of my gratitude practice. While it’s true that you hurt me sometimes, for every part of me you hurt, there are 50 that you don’t. It’s easy for us to focus on what goes wrong, our brains are wired that way to protect us, but before I was allowed to complain about anything, I first had to go through my gratitude list. The last part of my plan was to surrender. At that point, I will have controlled all that I could control. The rest was up to the universe. If we were meant to be together, I would still love you after all this.
I wasn’t sure how I would feel as I walked out the door this morning, but I knew I was as prepared as I could be. As I left the house, I was not filled with dread. I was filled with hope in anticipation of enjoying two hours outside to myself even if that meant walking. I started going at whatever pace my body felt good at and decided to jump right into the gratitude practice. I was grateful for my family and the fact that they are ok with me dedicating as much time to our relationship as I do. They also tolerate me on days like yesterday, when all I want to do is cry over you. I was grateful for the weather being a few degrees cooler than usual but not so cool that I needed additional gear. I love being so close to a greenway, where I can run safely. I am grateful I am able to afford to try various running gear until I find the pieces that work for me. Grateful that my body is able to move and carry me forward. I was grateful that I have a coach whose guidance I trust and who always seems to say the right thing, even when my comments go off on tangents. I was grateful for the birds I could hear in the trees. I was grateful for the beautifully decorated lawns and the lights that filled the dark street with color. I was grateful for the 7-11 that acted as my halfway point and rest stop, allowing me to splash some water on my face and take a moment. I was grateful for the breeze that seemed to come from every direction. I was grateful for the two rain showers that graced me with their presence, for they were not hard enough to make things uncomfortable, but cooled me down and made everything around me glisten.
When I got home, my gratitude was amplified, as I walked into the house greeted by my smiling husband who had the air relax and a hot shower at the ready for me. As if that wasn’t enough, he had also completed everything on my morning chore list, so that I could decompress. And when I got out of the shower, he presented me with what had to be the most amazing vegan sausage egg and cheese bagel there ever was. This morning was a reminder that there is always something to be grateful for.
As far as our relationship, I was reminded that no relationship is perfect. They take work. I do love you. The good times outweigh the bad. While I was grateful for our two hours today, you did irritate me a little towards the end. I am quite sure I will be reminded of that every single time I sit and stand today.
I have one last question, same time Tuesday?…. Love, Cris.
