Goals, Life

Internal Discourse

My morning journal pages are for me. I never share them. They are three pages of a stream of consciousness. Sometimes, they help me to be creative, a brainstorm of sorts. Sometimes, they help me vent frustrations. Sometimes they make no sense at all. I write my three pages on my ipad, and then I clear them. Gone, for good. On 12/31/22, I did not clear them. I had set a singular, challenging goal for myself, and planned to share it on my YouTube channel. The moment I decided that, an internal battle began. One of self doubt vs breaking away from fear, and on that day I wrote down the internal monologue of the battle. For some reason, I kept it. I don’t know why, but I decided to share it here. The following are my morning pages from 12/21/22 should you care to experience how my mind works sometimes….

“I’m struggling. Today, yesterday, the day before. It’s almost as if my mind and body have gone into self sabotage mode. The moment I decided my goal and I had that small spark of belief in myself, things changed. There was a calm moment. I went into planning mode, like I always do. Once I got the plan written, once I decided my daily and weekly habits, my steps to success, I felt ready. Ready to take on this lofty goal. This thing I wanted for so many years. I envisioned myself, a year from now, in the best shape I’ve ever been in, and then it all started to fade away. It was almost as if I was being pulled out of a dream. I pictured myself now. How far I have to go. Every negative thought, every doubt, every craving, every possible thing to pull me in the opposite direction of my goal set off. I started to sink. I tried to get my mind off it. I had a lot to do. Boxes to tick on my todo list.

Laundry, check. Negative thought. Groceries away, check. Doubts. Take a break, try to watch some YouTube. As soon as it’s quiet they thoughts creep in. I’ll never succeed at this. I’ve tried so many times. Why would now be any different? I am incapable. I am unworthy. I don’t have the support it takes, someone to push me, to tell me what to do. Time to tick some more boxes. Find things to do. They are all done. The list is clear. I am hungry. No, I just want something…. chips. No, not really, but I eat them anyway. See? I knew I would not succeed. I need to tick more boxes. There are always things I can find to do. Clean the cabinet, check. I didn’t even want the chips. I ate them anyway. Why? Re-arrange the clothes in the closet, check. Why did I set this goal? I’ll never reach it. I haven’t before. I’m no different. I will always be this. I am too old. It’s too late to build muscle. I’ll never build muscle, or lose fat. Others have, but they must have something I don’t. Why would I set a single goal, when I know I will fail? Why would I tell people? They will know I won’t succeed. I’m going to fail in front of everyone. More boxes to tick. Getting things done helps keep me occupied. Ticking boxes passes time. Time when the negative thoughts are away, even just for a moment. I’m out of things to do. Here they come again. The thoughts. I should set simpler goals. The feelings. The doubt. The cravings. The images in my mind. I will never succeed.

Why is my mind so against this goal? Is it because if I achieve this, I will no longer be bound by what my mind says I am capable of? Is it because if I achieve this, it will change everything and I’ll know I can do so much more? Or is my mind trying to stop me to save the pain I will experience if I fail, yet again? Does my subconscious mind know something I don’t? Is it a defense mechanism? If I don’t declare this goal, I can’t fail. I can’t experience the pain. Feel some disappointment at giving up today, to spare the pain of failure tomorrow?

I understand now. I get it. I appreciate it. Thank you, mind. For trying to protect me, even in this odd way. I appreciate that this could be painful, and you are trying to stop that. Thank you for keeping me sharp, and acutely aware if my shortcomings. I understand that you are rooted in logic, but I listened to you my whole life and now, I need to dream big. I want to go beyond what logic may say is my limit. I think I can do that now. Thank you for your concern, but I’ll take it from here… “

Life

See you later!

One of the goals I set this year was to write 6 blog posts.  The primary reason for this goal was to try to figure out if I wanted to keep up with the blog site. I started blogging back in June of 2016. I was running, trying to get into triathlon and thought that I could share my adventures and maybe inspire someone to do the same. 

I wrote a blog post every month for about a year and a half and then things slowed down. I wrote 5 posts in 2018, same in 2019, 4 in 2020 and just 1 in 2021.  It was about the fact that I had been lost. I was no longer into those things and feeling frustrated with myself for not having gotten as fit as I hoped, or as far along in triathlon as I had dreamed.  I stopped posting because I struggled with seeing myself as someone who was “worthy” of others looking to them. I need to work on how I saw myself.  That’s when I started to really try to dig deep and figure out what I really found joy in. I started to actually try to do things I wanted to do for so long and taking risks.  That’s also when I started my first videos.

In my first blog post of 2022, I finally came clean about my channel and my second post had been sitting in my drafts for a while, I just had to update it a bit. They were easy. It’s June and this will be my third post for the year. The reminder to create a post came up weeks ago.  I tried and had nothing to write. It came up again, about a week ago, and I tried again. I looked at one of my old drafts and it didn’t inspire me.

In the shower this morning, which is sometimes where I do my best thinking, I tried to figure out why I am struggling so much.  The reason is, it’s forced.  There are a half dozen things I would rather do than write a post. I don’t enjoy it as much or feel inspired because all my ideas have already been expressed in video form. I’ve been making videos for over a year, I’ve made over 50 of them at this point.  I don’t always have fresh ideas, or love what I have made, but I have put it out there.  Good, bad, or really bad, I am putting my heart and soul into those videos, and into the journey that they represent. I don’t have much left after that for blog posts.

Then I began to think about why I set the goal.  To see if I wanted to continue with the blog, and I don’t need more posts to know that, well, I don’t. Right now, I just don’t want to post regularly. I worry about letting someone down, but let’s be real.  No one is truly going to be affected by me posting or not to this blog.  Most people don’t worry about what everyone else is doing, they worry about what they are doing and what they have going on in their lives. So it brought me back to that fear of what others think of you.  What will people think if I have this blog and don’t post? What will people think if I post only once a year? What will people think if I let go, or fail, at that goal of writing 6 posts this year?

Most of the time, we don’t know what people think, but I can actually answer all those questions with “not a damn thing”.  No one will be affected by it, and chances are no one would even give it another thought if I didn’t mention it. So, it is with a light heart that I say “I’ll see you when I see you”, as far as blog posts go.

And let me tell you, it feels so good!  I am keeping the site, and the blog.  I’ll post when and if the mood strikes, but this is one more place where I am going to do what’s right for me and what I want to do.  I enjoy making videos, I am not enjoying forced blog posts. Sometimes, saying no to things, and knowing when to move on, is the best thing you can do. So, I won’t force any more blog posts. If one comes to me, it will come to you. Yeah, it’s one goal that I may mark as failed, but it’s a fail for all the right reasons and that, makes it a success.

Until next time…..