Master Debater

Sometimes you just need to make a decision.   I remember when we were kids, we would torment my Mom.  Ok, maybe there was no “we”.  I would torment my Mom.    “If all four of us kids were hanging off a cliff and you could only save one, who would it be?”  She’d reply with her typical response that she loves us all the same.  When I would push further, she would say she would have Mom strength and grab us all at the same time.  (We all knew that my brother would walk away dusting himself off, as we plummeted to our deaths…. Just kidding, Mom! #GoldenChild). 

Thankfully, I have one kid, so there’s no issues saying he is my favorite, but I do struggle sometimes with making decisions.  Not only do I suffer from analysis paralysis, but the fact that always envision every possible worst case scenario doesn’t help much.  I realized that was contributing to my self abuse.  I was trying to achieve too many things at once and over analyzing each one.  Having lots of goals is great, but can you really work on all of them with 100% effort at the same time?  I can’t.  I knew I needed to do something or nothing would change.  I started by re-reading the post I did about how I was beating myself up.   It happened most concerning two things, my weight and the fact that I had lost my workout mojo.  I was eating garbage, and absolutely berated myself for it.  I stopped doing triathlon, which I considered a failure.  I was barely running, and hated getting up to workout every morning.  I didn’t even recognize the person I was beating up anymore.  I knew I had to make a decision and focus all my energy on it, but I had no idea which to choose.  I felt like they went hand in hand.  What’s a gal to do?!  Um, make a list and analyze it, duh!

I gave myself a time box to ensure that I wouldn’t over analyze and debate with myself over and over again, delaying a decision.  I made two columns: Change my eating habits and change my workout habits.  This had to come down to something I don’t always deal with well, feelings.  I started writing anything I felt, good or bad.  If I focused on cleaning up my diet, I know I would get back to my old weight = Happy?  If I focused on working out every day and get back to feeling athletic, fast and strong = Happy.  Notice the difference?  It’s subtle, I know.   I wasn’t sure that I would be happy if I got to my goal weight and wasn’t working out, but if I was working out consistently like I used to (even if a little heavier than I would like), I knew I would be happy.

I started down the self sabotage route again, telling myself I would be most happy if I had both and should work on both, but I haven’t been successful at that, not for a long time.  There is an old saying along the lines of “jack of all trades, master of none.”  I snapped myself out of it and reminded myself that it was making a choice.  Doing both is too much for my body, and definitely too much for my mind right now.  Debate over, decision made.  For those of you that might be thinking “well, if she works out more, I am sure the weight will come off anyway…” Thank you, and I wish, but it doesn’t work that way.  You can’t outrun a bad diet. I resolved that my running tights would stay, well tight, for a while. 

I told myself my only goal was to complete my workouts as long as there was no illness or injury.  I no longer had food related goals.  Now, that did not mean I had a had a free ticket to overeat and chow down on garbage at every meal.  It was simply a promise to myself that I would not beat myself up for what I ate when it happened.

It’s been about three weeks since that decision, and I have worked out every single day.  The first morning was exciting!  The second and third day, and into the first week took a little more convincing to get moving, but as of this last week, I am finally just getting up and getting it done.  I can’t tell you how happy I am!  My chubby little cheeks are full of excitement again!  (Just a little dig for old time sakes, I’m still a work in progress!????)

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