I often wonder how many other people think the way I do, fear things the way I do.  I have said before that in nearly every situation, my mind always processes the worst case scenarios.  Maybe there is something wrong with my medulla oblongata (yes, that’s a Waterboy reference there).  It happens without me even realizing it, and has probably kept me out of trouble now and then, but sometimes it’s not very beneficial.  It can work against me, becoming a fear that I struggle with.  Sometimes I can overcome that fear easily, other times, not so much.

I have found that I am really good at convincing myself to not do, or try something.  I can quickly justify avoiding any given situation if I am afraid of it.  I have my own special brand of crazy where even I begin to believe my own excuses.  I think a lot of it is stubbornness.  I talk the talk, but sometimes have trouble walking the walk.  I know that failure is good, but it’s certainly not the outcome I want.   I know that every time I fail, I learn from it.  I gain from it.  I know that I want to instill that value in my son.  I want him to be ok with failure, and I want him to embrace it.  When I fail, I make a point of trying to embrace it, but I don’t want to fail.  I also know that at the root of many of my fears, it’s the fear of failure that is stopping me.

A prime example is the triathlon swim group that Gary (The Stroke Doctor) told me to join.  I wrote about it in one of my past blog posts.  I told him I would join as soon as I felt like I could keep up.  He laughed and asked why I would wait to get good, to join a group that is supposed to help me get good.  He point blanked me, and was totally right.  Have I joined yet? Nope.  I keep swimming solo.  All these little signs have been popping up pushing me to join his group.  My local pool membership was coming due.  I told myself I would join his group if it weren’t for the fact that I already had a credit on file to pay for my renewal.  (This would be one of those awesome excuses of mine.)  I went to use my credit that was supposed to be on file, only to find that it was no longer on file.  They had applied it to my son’s summer camp registration.  It was the perfect opportunity!  Did I take advantage of that? Nope, I just paid the dues and swam on my own.  There have also been a few times when I arrived at the pool and it was too full.  I have no intentions of sharing a lane with a bunch of kiddos that will overtake me.  If I swam with the group, there would always be availability.  Other times, my pool has been closed to the general public because they are hosting a swim meet.  I keep making excuses.  The pool is a further drive, so I would be taking too much time for my family, etc.

The truth is, the swim itself scares me.  Let alone when I am being told to execute a certain number of yards with a group of people and someone watching on.   I am afraid that I will come to find out that I am just not cut out for this swimming stuff, which means I am not cut out for triathlon and that would break my heart.  I keep surviving the triathlon, but I want to really do well in one.  It’s a catch 22 for me.  I either struggle now in forcing myself to be uncomfortable and join this group, or I struggle at my next tri when I am again fighting to survive the swim.  So far, I am staying in my current comfort zone, but have told myself that after my CPT test I will have more time and consider it.  Yeah, that is what I am waiting for.  That sounds good to me.

This weekend there is an even with the Fort Lauderdale Triathletes that I would love to attend, but probably won’t.  You see I joined FL-Tri club a few months ago, but have yet to attend anything they have done.  Why?  Well, because I am scared, I guess.  That’s probably the most simplified way to put it if I am honest with myself.  What I am afraid of, I have not pinpointed exactly.  I am lacking in success in the triathlon department to be sure, but I am sure they are used to getting newbies in the fold.  I am definitely afraid of the group bike rides.  I have never ridden with a group and am absolutely terrified of that.  Part of me thinks that I will start comparing myself to others which never goes well.  Maybe that’s why I train alone.

Anyway, there’s a gentleman named Hector Picard that I met briefly through Special Compass.  He’s been dubbed “the no arm triathlete.”  He is a motivational speaker and is doing something called the Tour to Inspire.  He’s cycling in various states to raise money for different charities and gives all his race medals to children who are struggling with different illnesses or challenges.  He’s an amazing individual and is riding with FL-Tri Saturday morning.  It’s a one hour group ride, followed by a short run and then he will be speaking.  I worked up the nerve to email the person coordinating it.  I wrote that I had never been on a group ride, but would love to attend or help out if they needed volunteers, etc.  He asked me to give him a call, and we spoke about it.  He said that they would probably be in two groups or so, and one would probably be a slower pace than the other but there were no set pace plans.  Deep down inside, I was hoping he would say something along the lines of “Since you are new to this, it’s probably best you don’t ride but we could use a volunteer.”  This would have given me an out to not have to ride but feel less useless.  Instead, he concluded the call saying he hoped I could make it.  Meaning, come on out and give it a shot.  I concluded the call with a thanks and the thought “guess I am not going.”

Why?  Fear again.  I am afraid of my comfort level on the bike.  I’m afraid to be the one to wipe out.  I’ve been seeing all of Hector’s posts on FB of all the rides he has already done.  I don’t really want to be a part of the first one with the ambulance in the background.  I am also just horrible at socializing in these types of situations, another reason I haven’t reached out to join the group meets.  So, while I have not completely decided yet, I am working on my excuses already.  Maybe I should ride in a group for the first time before I try to do it during something like this.  I certainly don’t want to slow the group down, or make anyone have to accommodate me in any way.  Yeah, I like that one.  I’m going with that one.

There are many more of these types of examples, but there are some where I am successful.  I will give myself credit for those.  I definitely learn from fear and failure, but I have also embraced my inner Colonel Sanders as I call it.  There are just some things that I am chicken about right now.  I plan to try to overcome those.  One of the ways of doing that is this blog post.  I know that putting a goal out there publicly can help.  So, my goal is to eventually convince myself to join the swim group.  As for the cycling event, well that one comes up in a matter of days, so I am not sure yet how that will go.  I will have to see how chicken I am by Saturday.  If I don’t attend, then my goal is to sign up for a group ride.  This way, I can at least get the experience casually and not at an event.  It might go well, it might not.  At least I know that when the going gets tough, I can get going, even if I am scared.