They say hindsight is 20/20 and I could not agree more.  Sometimes, when I am not sure of what to do, I try to think of the different outcomes and what my hindsight will be.  Will I look back on this and maybe be mad or will I be glad?  Sometimes there’s just no predicting what can happen.  Sometimes you just wonder…what was I thinking?!   That’s where I am right now.  At this moment, I am in the middle of packing to go to triathlon camp.  Yes, it’s a real thing!  Yes, grown ups go to camp!  And yes, I signed up!  What is triathlon camp you might ask?  Well, it’s where people who do triathlon get together and well… triathlon.  It’s supposed to give you the opportunity to meet other like minded people who are coached by the same coach and on the same team.  It gives you an opportunity to train with them, hang with them and better yourself along side of them. 

As I pack my bags I ask myself what was I thinking?!  Why?  Well, I am not a social person, I’m not the most “people person” of people.  I don’t feel like I “friend” well, and I generally like to train alone.  So, what was I thinking?  I actually figured that part out.  You see, I signed up to attend the August 2018 camp and I know exactly why.  Towards the last half of 2017 and start of 2018, I was in my best athletic form.  I really felt like an athlete.  I know I was not the fastest or fittest compared to anyone else, but I was the fastest and fittest I had been in years!  I felt like I was actually going to get this triathlon thing and I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone any and every time I could!  I was ready for this and I signed up!  I knew it would be hard, and it would be way challenging, not just from the physical work but the socialization piece.  I was ready…. And then I was wasn’t anymore.  Not from my own choice, but not long after I signed up, I found out I was going to need surgery.  I would be out of commission for a few weeks, but I tried to keep a positive outlook.  Then I found out my foot was broken and knew I would not be able to train right for months.  My coach and I decided to postpone to the following year.  I was glad at the time, because I was stressed enough and this was one less thing to worry about.

I told myself that once I was cleared to train again, I would crush it!  I was going to get even fitter, and faster!  Yes, I was starting over, but that was ok.  I was getting the chance to do it right from the ground up.  All that sounds awesome on paper.  I didn’t realize how hard it would be to put into reality.  The truth is, I was upset.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to ask why me.  I wanted to feel sorry for myself…. But I have seen so many people suffer more that I felt selfish in the way I was feeling.  I berated myself for feeling that way.  I told myself to shut up and be grateful.  I’ve been telling myself that for a year and I have come to realize lately that it was the wrong way to approach it.  In hindsight, I wish I would have let that wave of emotion take me to where I needed to go so that I could get back to doing what I needed to do.  Instead, I kept the conflict inside me and it caused me a lot of self doubt and getting into a dangerous spiral of negative self talk.

I tried to turn things around and I really thought I had at my last triathlon.  That too I had signed up for back when I was fitter.  Part of me had no desire to go, but I had paid and figured I was going to at the very least get my medal and go home.  I got to the start line and for the first time in my life, the swim didn’t look that long.  I was actually feeling, dare I say, confident?  The race started, I got in the water and panic ensued.  It was different this time.  In the past, I tell myself to push through.  I may not be swimming it right, I may be on my back, but I finish.  This time, I know deep down I didn’t even care.  Looking back, I feel like I let the panic in and let it win.  The next thing I knew I had tuned around and gotten out of the water.  I had quit.  I grabbed my gear and left. 
That was back in March and I was hoping it was my rock bottom and that I would want to really put the effort in to redeem myself, but I just haven’t.  I’ve been going through the motions in training and letting my eating slip little by little.  Part of me wants to keep trying until I succeed, but part of me wonders how many clues I need before realizing that maybe this just isn’t for me.  I shared this with my coach and he said that this sport should definitely be fun and not a chore, but also is supposed to be hard.  He said he knows I can do it, and he can help me get past the fear.  This camp is going to be my decision point.  I wish I were more ready.  I wish I had pushed myself to get that fitness back.  At this point, I fully expect to be the last person at everything we do.  I kind of have to accept that.  I just didn’t put the work in for that not to be the case.  I can’t help but think about what it would be like if I had, but I can’t change that now.  I’m pretty terrified!

There are a few things that I am looking forward to for camp.  The first, is meeting and getting to work with my coach in person.  At first I wasn’t sure that coaching from long distance was going to work but it didn’t take long to realize that it didn’t matter and he’s a great coach.  The second thing I am looking forward to, is figuring out what I am going to do from here.  I decided that camp is my turning point.  If working with the team can get me past this open water fear, I think it will renew my love for the sport and hopefully inspire me to get back to where I was or ever surpass that.  If I can’t get over the fear, or it doesn’t inspire me then my decision will be made to put triathlon on hold.  I can’t keep going through the motions.  I want whatever training I do, to bring me joy!  If it’s not triathlon, that’s ok.  I will amp up my run game and maybe throw in some strength training and mountain biking and I am ok with that.  Either prospect is exciting to me.  So, while part of me is terrified and wondering what I was thinking, the other part of me is excited and hopeful for the future.  Let’s hope in hindsight I am glad I went through with this!   I’ll be doing my best to document what happens at camp, so stay tuned!