The day after Christmas always ends up to be a day of reflection for me. Generally, we don’t get time to completely clean up from the Christmas chaos. I was up early and just took a minute to sit on the couch and look around. I’m genuinely in love with my home and all the memories that fill it. Each photo that hangs on the wall, the dings and dents that come with kids and pets, and even that fur ball that ended up under the entertainment unit, though I cleaned the day before. But the day after Christmas brings so much more. The tree skirt ever so slightly askew from grabbing out gifts. The toys strewn all over the place because they haven’t quite gotten a home yet, and the boxes piled up because the recycling container is full. It makes me thankful for all that we have and sometimes a little regretful too. Did I spend too much? What can we get rid of to make room? I have to make sure that my boy doesn’t end up so enthusiastic about his possessions that he forgets what to be truly great for. I think of the people no longer with us to celebrate, and those that we used to be closer to. I think of all these things and then start to get excited for the new year to come. I think about goals and the challenges that lie ahead.
As I sat there, I scanned across all the goodies laying near or under the tree. I got amazing gifts. My new swim heart rate monitor, swim fins, a mount for my cycling computer, and all kinds of wonderful tools to help in my training. I’ve been struggling lately, with my training. I had a bad cold, then the flu, but it was more than that and I hadn’t been able to put my finger on what it was, until I was just sitting there with my thoughts.
It’s fear. Fear is what has me in this funk. It took this long to figure it out. I’ve been wanting to quit, feeling completely undetermined. Part of me was thankful for the forced time off when sick, while the other part of me was miserable for it. The reason was simple. I’m scared. I have the Olympic triathlon coming in March. The Turkey Tri was so bad, so painfully embarrassing and a struggle I wasn’t ready for, that I’m not sure I can do this next one. I tried to tell myself it was the cold, and the next one wouldn’t be that way, but the more I reflect on that day, the more I know it was more than that.
What really knocked me back, aside from the cold, was that for once I was confident in myself and I was completely let down. I had such a great first race that I assumed this one was in the bag. I didn’t set a specific goal, but in the back of my mind I was gonna definitely beat my first time. When I hit that water, I was immediately defeated and I knew it. After that, it just was everything I had in me not to quit and I almost did. This next race is more than twice the swim distance. How could I ever succeed at that?
It was as I sat there looking at the amazing swim gifts that it became clear. I am scared to fail at the next race. I’m scared to let everyone down. Most of all, I’m scared that if I have a hard time, I won’t have the strength to attempt it again. I’m grateful for the time to reflect and for the realization that it’s fear holding me back. Knowing is half the battle (at least that’s what G.I. Joe says). So this Christmas I got amazing gifts and the gift of knowing where my focus needs to be, conquering that fear. If only I could have known that before I wrote my list to Santa…..