I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want lately.  I’m not referring to tech or training gadgets (though I do have a list of those that I want).  I’m referring to my day-to-day.  For so many years, I just wanted a job that I did not dread going to.  I didn’t want to physically feel sick to my stomach on those days that I knew were going to be rough.  I have that now, which I am grateful for, but still wonder sometimes what I would do if I could choose anything.  I often wonder what it is like to love what you do.  Don’t get me wrong, my job is fine but it’s not something I love to do.  I don’t get excited to go to work each morning.  I don’t look forward to Mondays, ever.  I know a few people who love what they do.  My sister is a massage therapist and loves what she does.  She enjoys it enough that she’s willing to do it for friends and family on her days off.  I cannot imagine even remotely wanting to do my job on my day off.

I thought about going back to school and maybe getting my degree, but I found a few flaws in that plan.  First and foremost, I have no idea what I would even want to go to school for!  Secondly, it’s expensive and will take quite some time to finish.  Quite frankly, I am too old for that crap and I have too many responsibilities that I need a paycheck for right now.  Even if I pursue something attainable in this lifetime, I’ll be what, 45 when I just start my new career?  More than likely that new position, even if I love it, won’t pay what I make today…. Oh, and did I mention I have no idea what that career would be?

I tried to go a different route with my thoughts.  Let’s play the imaginary lottery win game.  What would I do then?  What do I love enough that if money didn’t matter, I would want to get up every day and do?  Well, there are a few contenders there.  I have and will always love photography.  I would immediately open a portrait studio.  They don’t make much these days as everyone has amazing camera technology.  Photographers are everywhere, some good, others not, but everywhere.  I love training and helping people train.  I’d become a personal trainer, or life coach.  I could see loving doing that every day.  I’d also write more.  I’d work on that book I started so very long ago.  Alas, I have not won the lottery.  Maybe I should be a party planner, because I certainly had the most amazing pity party for myself once I came to the realization that none of the things I love would ever be able to compensate me enough, not without putting my family at risk and that is something I just cannot do.

Darin noticed I was a little down and asked what was up.  I told him how I envied that he loved what he did, that he looked forward to new clients and jobs.  That he had enough confidence in himself to sell his services and how his love for what he does shows in every project.  I am sure I mentioned before that he is made of amazing.  He asked me a very insightful question….  Why can’t you do any of those things on the side to start?  My immediate answer was that I didn’t want to take time away from them for another extracurricular activity.  I already train several hours a week.  How can I justify taking chunks out of our evenings or weekends?  He said that if it made me happy, he thought that I would eventually find that if I put my mind to it, I could maybe end up making a career out of it.  I don’t know if I believe that, but that’s probably because I don’t believe in myself enough.  It’s something I know and try to work on.

Thanks to the fact that my old job paid ridiculous money and I turned to retail for therapy, I actually have all the photography equipment I could ever need to set up some shoots.  I just need to start taking my camera with me again.  I used to take tons of photos and one day, just stopped.  I don’t know why.  Before the holidays, I took the camera out again and started reminding myself of how to shoot.  It’s been fun trying to remember what settings I need in a given situation.  It’s not like riding a bike, at least for me.  It takes some time getting back into it.  My training will continue, of course, and as far as helping people I am going to work on that as well.  Once this March triathlon is over, I am going to work my schedule out to allow for more of that.  Darin also convinced me to take the plunge and pay for a class to become a certified personal trainer.  That took a lot of convincing.  I am scared to fail, or maybe even worse, to get certified and still be the type of person who cannot “sell themselves.”  Then what?  Well, he told me that if that happens, then the worst case is I gained a lot of knowledge to use for myself and family and friends.  He also reminded me how much I love to learn.  That was enough to convince me.

So, for the next several months, I will be a tri-training, student of personal training, photography geek.  I read some meme or something that said “make a list of the things you love and make a list of what you do each day, compare and adjust accordingly.”  It may not help me quit my day job, but they are certainly things I can look forward to each day.  Who knows, maybe even at my age something will come out of it.  If not, maybe I will get to experience loving what I do, even if its only part-time and for free!