Before this blog, I shared very little with people, even people I am close to.  It’s funny because I find it very painful to think that people I know are reading it, but the whole point was to get out of my comfort zone and I promised to be brutally honest in the process.  I’m starting to get used to the idea that this thing is out there for whomever to see.  A coworker found it and told me, of course I was mortified, but I accepted that possibility when I launched it.  I still find myself a bit reserved sometimes and I really don’t want that.  Sharing is helping me in so many ways.  When I write a post, I try to do it from the heart, and that has really shown me how hard I can be on myself.  That is something I really need to change , but it’s a slow process.

The other day I was doing a weight training workout and was really working hard.  I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and smiled.  I felt really proud of the weight I was lifting and how strong I felt.  I got my phone and took a picture, just for me, and then I thought “I’m gonna post this on instagram… I get inspired when I see pics like this.”  I started to post it and immediately stopped.  I started having all these negative thoughts.  Is posting the photo being boastful?  Will people think I’m trying to say I look SO good, even though I know I have a long way to go?  Will people think I am looking for a bunch of responses telling me how great I look?  If I do this, am I a selfie away from being a Kardashian?  (You get the idea).

So many people in the fitness world post photos of their workouts and selfies at the gym.  I started thinking about those people.  Some, I am inspired by, others I feel are just  bragging, or attention seekers, or trying to push the latest fad diet product.  I told Darin how I felt and he said to post it.  He was right.  If I am going to share this journey, they I should share all of it.    So, I posted my first workout selfie.  It was scary, but once it was done there was no going back.  My comment was something like “learning to love and share what I worked so hard for.”  It’s a very true statement.   It made me think about those people who post their photos.  It made me realize that I have been very judgmental in my assumptions that some of them are posting them to boast.  Maybe some of them really are just like me, working hard and proud of it.  Maybe some of them are uncomfortable with posting the pics but putting themselves out there in the hopes that someone gets inspired.  Maybe they are jerks and being showy.  The point is, I don’t know them anymore than they know me, and the people that I care about know that my pride is the right kind.

I am glad I posted it, but I’m still a little cautious as to where the line is between being proud and sharing accomplishments in the hope that it inspires others, to becoming boastful and proud in a negative way.  I hope to have the courage to post more, because I AM proud of myself.  I’m proud that 6 days a week I get up and work hard to achieve my fitness goals.  I’m proud that 7days a week I work hard at my job, trying to eat right and be the best wife a mom I can be.  I have an amazing family and friends.  I’m so proud to be in their lives each day.  And yes, I am proud of my little “guns” because it took a long time to finally look at a photo of myself and really feel genuinely good about what I saw.