Run

Halloween Horror Half

As I mentioned in my last post, I had signed up for a half marathon.  A couple months ago, I told my coach I felt like I needed something on the calendar.  I was looking for a nice 10k but there aren’t many of those and since I had fallen out of love with triathlon, it was either a 5k or half marathon.  To this point, the only half marathons I had done were Disney events.  I loved getting into character and the atmosphere was so relaxed.  It was all about having a great time, so I thought I’d do the same with the Halloween half.  Things were not the same.

I did everything wrong, and I am not being hard of myself.  I literally broke just about every cardinal rule in the book.  First off, I really did not train properly.  I missed some workouts and when I did get them done, some were admittedly “phoned in”.  I just didn’t try. 

What else did I do wrong?  Well, I bought a brand new pair of running shoes a few days before the race and had only run in them once.  Yes, I needed new shoes, but I should have broken them in before the event.  Know what else was new?  My entire outfit.  Two rules broken in my attire alone!  If you don’t run, you may be asking yourself what’s the harm in some new digs?  Well, new clothes can chafe, especially new unwashed clothes.  Yeah, I wore them right out of the Amazon package because they literally came in the day before the race.  Why you ask?  I originally told myself I was going to take the race seriously and not dress up, but I decided a few days beforehand that since I didn’t take the training seriously and there was no real time requirement, I would treat it like a Disney race and go full character mode.  Since I planned to wear my hydration pack, I thought it would be cute to go as Luke carrying Yoda on his back in Dagobah…. Seagulls, stop it now!  (Google it if you don’t know it, and you are welcome for the enrichment it will bring your life and our friendship.) . There I was, looking all monochrome quite literally from head to ankle.  The outfit is all tan. I am tan.  Didn’t really think that through, but oh well!

Those weren’t the only rules I broke.  I also broke one of the most important rules (besides train for the thing).  I didn’t eat.  Now, hear me out on this….  Since I run in the early morning hours, I pretty much never eat first.  That’s fine on a run up to an hour or so, but a half marathon, not so much.  I just wasn’t thinking.  The race started at 6:30 and was way down in Miami.  We had to leave not long after 4 and I didn’t plan ahead.  I know, it’s me!  How could I not plan ahead?!  I don’t know either, but about 5 minutes before the start my stomach was rumbling and I was already living in regret.

The race started and I got going.  I was in good spirits, until I started to think about how it would take me nearly 3 hours and the longest I’d run in months was like an hour and a half.  I felt drained and I hadn’t even completed mile 1.  I had plenty of water on me, and planned to drink whatever sports drink the race offered.  I also had with me a sports type drink that was going to be my magic fuel about halfway through.  As I passed the first mile and grabbed a cup, I saw Darin and D2 cheering me on!  I was so excited and my energy went up immediately.  I thought they had gone to eat as soon as the race started.  It meant so much to see them.  I chugged the sports drink and kept plugging on.  It didn’t taste great.  I am not sure if it was kiwi or something but it was a slightly familiar fake fruit taste.  Not long after, the burps started, and I knew that was the last of the sports drink I’d be having at this event.  I wasn’t sure I would keep from yarping it back up, but eventually things settled down.

The run was along the beach, which was nice since the sun was starting to rise. There was a bathroom with plumbing every half mile or so.  Plumbing is rare, so it was nice to think I didn’t have to use a port o let if I had to go.  I’m always terrified I will need to pee and not have a bathroom.  It felt good knowing there were so many, so I figured I’d go a little later when I felt the first urge at mile 4.  Little did I know the string of bathrooms would suddenly end and not be available to me again for another 4 miles.

Around mile 5, I decided I need my go go juice early, so I started sipping.  My hope was to get halfway, but I needed it.  At mile 8 I took a gel.  I hadn’t had a gel in probably a year.  I choked it down and knew that at least I had a few calories in me.  I knew it was too little, too late.  I was starting to bonk.

Another challenge, albeit not self inflicted, was the terrain.  A few miles of the race were on the boardwalk.  I’d never tried to run on the boardwalk.  It was very awkward.  Since we were running the length of the planks, I tried to keep my feet directly on the wood.  A couple times, it wobbled in the gap between the boards which sucked.  Not only that but there were hoards of people that were not in the race just strolling along. We had to dodge them and their dogs, and bikes and strollers. At mile 9, I hit a slick spot on a plank and almost busted my butt!  One leg went one way, the knee went the other.  I almost went down but somehow wriggled my way to staying upright.  I immediately began to walk the rest of the boardwalk.  I felt off from that point on.

At mile 11, the course was changed from years prior due to a different event going on and we had to run in the sand.  In. The. Sand.  That, I was not expecting.  It was fairly packed sand, but still sand, and it was undulating mounds.  It was about a half mile, so not horrible but not ideal.  Just before the finish line we had to go up hill and then I could finally see my boys again.  I got high fives just before the finish line, and then got one of the coolest medals (aside from my Star Wars collection).

I felt horrible and awesome all at the same time.  I was sore, and absolutely starving but really happy that I made it.  One of the things I was most happy about was that I reached my goal.  Not finishing the race, but my goal was to avoid negative talk.  I wasn’t 100% successful, but I was successful overall.  When I started to beat myself up about not eating, I tried to change it into listing what I learned from the mistake, rather than how many bad names I could call myself and how many curse words I could use to describe the situation.  When I started to feel those pains that come with not training hard enough, I did my best not to replay every missed or phoned in workout in my mind.  I tried to say things like, image how good I could feel if I trained more or trained better next time.  I think if I hadn’t focused on being more kind to myself and showing myself some grace, I would have quit before the half way mark.

I wish I could say that I learned a lot from this race.  I didn’t learn anything I didn’t already know.  What I did get was valuable reminders.  I got reminded of how important training and fueling my body for these events is.  I got reminded that I have an amazing support system willing to sit in the sun for hours and cheer me on because they love me.  I got reminded of times not long ago when I didn’t beat myself down, but rather do what I could to pick myself up and keep moving.  I also got reminded that new clothes chafe and you don’t know you chafed until you get in the shower and scream out loud like a little girl.

Do you know what else I was also reminded of?  How much hard stuff makes me want more of it.  My next half is in three weeks.

Life

I’m in an abusive relationship

I feel like I’m that movie, you know the one starring JLO where she marries the perfect guy.  Later he starts saying little nasty things, then it escalates and he ends up hitting her and she’s afraid for her and her kid’s lives.  She goes out and gets training and then kicks his butt.  I’ve been in this relationship for a really long time.  I should be able to trust this person above all others but I can’t anymore.  It started out with little comments here and there, but over the last two years, things have escalated.  It’s become almost constant verbal abuse.  I’ve been kind of lost in how to deal with it, and I think I have just been making things worse.  Oh, I should probably make sure you know I am not talking about Darin here.  I’m talking about myself.

The way we look at, and treat ourselves, is important.  I don’t know exactly when or why, but somewhere along the line, I really started treating myself poorly.  I would say it is about a year or so ago.  It happened gradually.  I haven’t been able to pinpoint a situation or thing that happened to spark it.  Don’t get me wrong, I have never been filled with utter self praise and confidence, outside of my work that is, but this has been quite the opposite.  

This blog is living proof of my lack of belief in myself.  I started out so unsure.  I could not call myself an athlete.  I could not give myself credit for the hard work I was putting in, but for a while there it was getting better.  It was like the Matrix, when Neo first confronts the agent.  Trinity was like, what is he doing!?  Morpheus’ response… “he’s beginning to believe.”  If you have no idea what I am talking about, go watch that movie or we can’t be friends anymore.  That’s what I felt like for a while.  I was really beginning to believe.

I was starting to feel fit.  I was starting to feel like an athlete and dare I say a badass.  Then something happened and I have been on a downward spiral ever since.  I didn’t want to admit it.  It’s embarrassing really, but I guess I figure if I am going through it maybe someone else is too.  If not, well then I am just embarrassing myself here amongst friends (provided you have seen the Matrix so we can remain friends).  I’m stuck in a cycle of self sabotage.  I used to get up like clockwork, hop out of bed and workout.  Lately, I ask myself more and more what the point is. I tell myself to just give up, and stay in bed. I am still working out, but it’s not the same.

Food is another issue.  I used to eat pretty darn clean.  I had no issues with turning away garbage.  It was second nature.  I didn’t give it a thought.  I had specific meals picked out for places we frequented so that I knew what to order without the temptation of looking at the menus.  Lately, I have been eating more garbage.  I do well, and then I find myself eating somewhere and I tell myself there’s no good options (liar) so I just eat whatever.   Again, it happened gradually, but it still happened.

The sad workout effort and food choices are bad, but it’s the way I treat myself after that is the real issue.  The conversation in my head is nothing less than verbal abuse.  I remind myself of the failure over and over.  Instead of using it as a learning opportunity, like I used to, I tell myself there is no point.  I should just give up.  I won’t ever really be athletic.  I will never have a really fit and strong body.  I don’t have what it takes to get those muscles.  I cant’ to push ups or pull ups.  Burpees are too hard.  It’s too much work and I love french fries too much.  I may as well just sleep in and eat bon bons.  I’ll spare you the really harsh stuff, but it gets bad.

I feel like I fell into a hole and can’t get myself back out. Every branch I try to pull myself up on breaks, and I fall further.  Every foothold slips.   I know things that didn’t happen overnight can’t just be undone in a day, but I have felt like the little steps aren’t enough.  I’ve tried focusing on getting just one thing right, but for me, that’s not enough.  I want everything to be on point.  I feel like anything less is a failure, and I keep reminding myself of it way too often. 

So, how do I get out of this hole?  I’m not sure yet.  I was hoping that getting this off my chest would help as a first step.  I usually feel really good when I spill my thoughts, but posting it is a lot harder than I expected. I guess I am going to turn to what I do best, analysis and planning.  I have a half marathon Saturday, which I don’t feel adequately prepared for.  After that, I’m going take the rest of the  weekend to come up with a plan, set some new goals and try to map my way to where I want to be.

I read a book a while back that suggested always talking yourself as if you were a different person.  Sounds crazy, I know, but I would never say the things I say to myself to another person.  I wouldn’t judge my worst enemy as harshly as I judge myself, nor would I treat them as poorly. One of the first things I need to do is change how I talk to myself. I’m sure much of the rest will follow, it’s just easier said than done. This post now acts as an accountability buddy of sorts.  Hopefully the thought of having to come back in here and post an update helps keep me motivated.  At this point, I will take all the help I can get! Wish me luck, and unicorn farts. Lots of unicorn farts.