So Possible´

If you’ve never played, I highly recommend the game Among Us.  It’s a lot of fun.  You and some friends are crew members on a spaceship, but 2 of you will be assigned to be imposters.  If you are the imposter you aren’t really crew members, you are the enemy!  Your mission is to kill the crew members without being found out.  Don’t worry, it’s not really gory or anything, it’s the cutest murder you will ever see.  The graphics are adorable.  I love being assigned the role of imposter.  It’s by far my favorite role in the game, which is ironic because it’s the role I most battle with in the real world.

I’m talking about imposter syndrome. According to Psychology Today, people who struggle with imposter syndrome believe that they are undeserving of their achievements and the high esteem in which they are, in fact, generally held. They feel that they aren’t as competent or intelligent as others might think—and that soon enough, people will discover the truth about them.

I suffer from imposter syndrome especially when it comes to my career. In what I would call my first big job, I worked for a State Farm office as a file clerk.  Eventually, I started learning more and more and eventually became a licensed insurance agent. Even though I passed the same tests as everyone in the office and was good at selling the policies and knew my stuff, I always felt like the file clerk, and “less than” the other agents in the office.

When I started moving up in a company I used to work for, and eventually became the person responsible for the operations,  I credited it to being able to put up with a pain in the ass mafia boss.  I never gave myself credit for running a hundred million dollar company that serviced the largest home improvement chain in the country.  I didn’t give myself credit for going before their board members and selling our services in states we weren’t in before. I never felt like it was my skills that got me there.  I always credited it to something else.

When I transitioned to the IT world, I credited the fact that “I knew a guy”, and he helped me switch careers. When I recently moved from the business side of IT, to becoming more of a developer, imposter syndrome hit again.  When I interviewed, I talked about the business side of my IT work.  The interviewer said “you have great qualifications in that area, but if you could do anything you want, what would it be?”  I answered, “development, with MS Power Platform.”  He said I would have the opportunity to learn and grow, but would likely still have to work on the business side too.  When my first project got assigned, and I was listed as Platform Architect, I nearly passed out!  I immediately spoke with the project lead and said I was suffering from imposter syndrome and it just didn’t feel real.  I mean, how was I going to do this for this client?  He chuckled, and said “if you aren’t suffering from imposter syndrome, you’re doing it wrong, you aren’t pushing yourself enough.  You are right where you should be.  Besides, you can do what we all do, Google how to do it!”  We both cracked up, and I went on to do a great job for the client.

Just recently, I passed what was a really challenging certification for Microsoft, and I kept saying “I don’t know how I passed.” I immediately downplay those successes, because they don’t feel like mine.  They feel like I lucked out in some way, and that someone is going to find out soon and put me back in my place. If I really force myself to have the uncomfortable conversation in my head, I know how I passed the test. I worked damn hard, that’s how. I studied everyday. I took class after class. I took more practice tests than I dare think about, and I learned what I needed to know to pass the test.

When I experience imposter syndrome, I sometime overthink things.  It’s almost like I am trying to prove to myself and everyone else that I really do know what I am talking about, or how to do whatever it is.  Self doubt paired with imposter syndrome make things even worse.  This post is a prime example.  I am not sure at this point how many times I have revised it. I think part of the reason for that is I don’t feel like I have enough knowledge of imposter syndrome, other than my own experience with it, to talk about it. At the end of the day, I just have to keep reminding myself that I can’t know everything and sometimes it’s best to just share my experience anyway….even if it makes me feel a little “sus”.

Fear-basing, not to be confused with freebasing cocaine, is a term I made up to describe basing one’s decisions on fear. It has a lot to do with how my mind works. I’ve mentioned before, if I let myself, I will envision every possible thing that can go wrong in any given scenario. It ranges from little things like picturing the battery dying on my electric toothbrush, to envisioning a fiery crash as I merge onto the highway.

I didn’t have these types of thoughts as a kid. I remember jumping off of roofs and trying tricks on my skateboard or bike without concern of breaking a bone. I think these fears started when I had to be “an adult”. I used to have a hot temper, but realized when I turned 18 that if I got into a fight, I could go to jail. So, I stopped getting into fights. I knew that if I injured myself in Jiu Jitsu, I could be out of work and not able to help support my family, so I took up other “less injury inducing” sports. The term “getting too old for this sh*t” comes to mind…

Fear of what other people think is a huge one for many people, including me. Like fears of a wild animal attack, it’s primal. Our ancestors relied on being part of their tribe. If they were cast out, it would likely cost them their lives. So it’s not surprising that just like flight or fight, the desire to fit in still remains in our DNA. We don’t necessarily start out that way, but we get taught to consider what other people will think about how we look or behave as we get older.  Parents shoosh loud voices, you’re told that wearing pajamas out to dinner is not ok, and the list goes on and on.

When I was younger, I used to love being funny and silly, especially on camera.  If you would have asked me what my dream job was, I would have said a teacher and an actor. I loved being in front of people. Shy was not a word that would have been used to describe me. You could have given me any size audience, as long as it was an audience. If there was a camera or video camera around, you better be sure I was trying to get in front of it. I “photobombed” before it had a name.

As you get older, it starts to matter what your boss or coworkers think of you, to a certain extent. It matters what your life partner thinks of you. It matters what your kids think of you. All that is true and at the same time not. It really doesn’t matter what other people think of you. You can find other jobs, spouses and adopt other kids. All kidding aside, we should be able to be ourselves and those that love us for who we are will remain, and who cares if the others don’t?

I realized that very few people see the full range of my personality. I love to laugh. I love to make people laugh. I love to be silly. I love to be a completely inappropriate horse’s ass, sometimes. At some point and time, I began to care and worry about what people would think that it literally was taking the joy out of me because I stopped acting this way. To a certain extent, this comes with the whole “adulting” thing, I guess. We are told that we need to “act our age” or “behave maturely”. Who the heck came up with that? What exactly does your age, act like? Nevertheless, most of us conform, at least to a certain extent. Social media doesn’t help either. Our brains are fed with so much perfection, we can’t help but feel that we are farther from perfect every day. Not just from a physical or beauty standpoint, but in how we act. That’s not to say there aren’t social media feeds of complete idiots acting a fool out there, but that’s the thing, we call them fools. They are funny, but it’s only seen as entertainment, and not how someone “should” really act.

I am still fear-basing. However, I have gradually been working towards basing my decision on fear in the opposite way. If I am scared of it, I’ve been trying to push myself to do it anyway. I have been trying to “fail better”. It’s been working, but I still suffer from holding back based on what other people may think or feel. Take my more recent posts here, for example. I gave ample warning about the content of my post about why I went vegan, but why? This is MY blog! I write the posts for me, and to document my story in the hopes that one day my kiddo reads it and remembers me, or sees a different side to me that he didn’t realize was there. I do this as an outlet, a sort of therapy in many ways. I go back and read about things I have done, that maybe I wasn’t sure I was capable of, or where I had to base my decision on fear and went for it anyway. I do this for me, but I can’t help but think about the handful of people that read it. I have, at times, edited based on that. I want to make sure I don’t hurt feelings or change a perception someone has of me.

I am hoping to put that to an end, starting with this post. I am going to do my best to put aside my fear of what others may think of what I do or say. I am going to do my best to let the real me out in all her glory and “horse’s ass-ness”. In my new quest for more transparency, I’m gonna share a little nugget of truth with anyone that reads this. I may regret it, but here goes… I tapped into that inner kid who used to love being in front of the camera, and last March I started a YouTube channel. What for? You ask? For the hell of it, of course! I have wanted to do it for years, but have been too scared of what people would think if they found it and saw my corny videos. Last year, I decided I didn’t care anymore (but at the same time, the chicken spit part of me didn’t tell anyone until now, yeah I’m a work in progress). The channel is called So Possible Life (I know, so creative, right?) If you choose to tune in, fair warning, the videos suck, especially the early ones. I am trying not to care because I am having fun. I did it for me, and the possibility that it could encourage anyone else that is struggling with letting their inner horse’s ass come out, or make changes later in life, see that they can do it too. I am learning. I am growing. I am feeling creative again! Did I say I am having fun?! I’m just now starting to get more comfortable in front of the camera and getting back to being my ridiculous self. I guess this post is my coming out of sorts, as a “Youtuber”.  That sounds weird. Do get ready people, I am coming out hard…. (hehe, that’s what he said)… and so it begins………