It’s 5:30 am, rest day.  Two days from my next triathlon.  I told myself this one was going to be my redemption.  The one I really felt like I did well at.  While I’ve only done three, the last two were horrendous and a bit deterring.  They had me thinking maybe I should consider another sport.  Yes, there were extenuating circumstances, but that doesn’t change how I feel.  My first was crazy and hard, but I expected that.  When it came to my second one, I wasn’t quite myself.  You see, I generally picture the worst.  My second tri was different.  For once, I told myself I was going to do really well.  For once, I told myself I could be confident.  I had trained, I had done the work, I had run the same course before as a newbie.  Surely I would do better the second time.  Yes.  I was going to be confident.  I had this.  Of course I did not say this to anyone.  I just tried to say it in my own head and that was progress enough for me.  Well, it didn’t go well at all.  Yes, the water was freezing and I didn’t have a wetsuit.  Yes, insert excuse or reason here.  I finished it.  I can give myself credit for not giving up, but it was such a disappointment.  The biggest reason for the level of disappointment is that I actually allowed myself to believe I could do well.  My third was a longer distance, but I trained hard and had a wetsuit.  I was by no means confident, but I was hopeful.  That was a disaster.  Much of that was provided by nature, yes, but I don’t know how I would have done even if that storm hadn’t rolled in.

I told myself I would prepare and finally feel good at the one year anniversary of my first tri.  Here I am two days away and I have no idea how I feel.  I almost feel numb.  If I reach down inside, I really want to feel confident.  I really want to feel good about it.  I trained, really hard.  Having a coach has proved beneficial.  I’ve felt like I was really accomplishing something in training, and yet here I sit unsure and uneasy.  I realized, listening to a podcast that part of my problem (I am sure there are lots of parts) is that I lack trust.  The podcast was about just that.  Trust in your training, trust in your coach, trust in the work you have put in, trust in yourself.  I lack trust, in most of those things, but what I probably lack trust in the most, is myself.  More specifically, I don’t trust my mind.

No, I am not crazy…. Well, ok yes, I am my own brand of crazy, but that’s not the point here.  What I am talking about is my mind overriding everything, mostly in the swim.  I think back to how I have felt every time I stand at the start of the swim.  I do ok.  I am not panicking.  I am not completely terrified.  I feel, well, alright.  The gun goes off and I get moving.  I’m ok.  Moments in, it starts.  There’s no specific fear.  I know I won’t actually drown.  I am not afraid of creatures in the lake.  Surprisingly, I don’t care that it’s gross or gooey.  Out of nowhere, my mind just starts going into all the self-doubt and negative talk.  My mind tries to take over and give me all the reasons I should just quit.  It’s funny how powerful the mind is.  I remember thinking to myself in one of the races that it was so exhausting and I should just stop, yet I had no muscle fatigue.  I was breathing ok and yet my heart was racing.  Yes, there is the level of excitement and adrenaline rush of the moment, but it was more so because my mind was taking over and it took everything I had to just keep moving forward.  I’m proud I didn’t quit.  That would have been easy.  I’m proud that as horrible as those races were, I still signed up for more.  I am glad that during the entire time between the last race and up to about now, I have been excited to train.  I have been hopeful.  I’ve been motivated.  I’m really happy with all that I have accomplished in my training.  I’m not thrilled about how my eating habits have been, and I’d feel a lot better if I had about ten pounds less fat in my body, but I know I just have to work harder at that.

I envy those people who have confidence, even the ones that fake it.  The ones that say they are going to do well out loud.  The ones that aren’t afraid to say they are ready for their race.  I don’t do that.  I always portray the negative.   It’s less of a let down, I guess it’s safer that way.  I say I “hope” to do ok.  I’d be happy just to finish.   Maybe it saves me some of the shame or embarrassment if I fail.  The truth is, that’s all BS.  I don’t want to just finish.  I don’t want to “hope” to do ok, I want to do well, or great even.  I want to start swimming and not spend the entire time trying to talk myself into turning off my back and actually swimming with my face in the water.  I want to get out of the water faster than I ever have before.  I want to come out of that freaking lake feeling like a boss!   I want to finally feel like this entire year of training wasn’t lost.  I don’t want to be let down by me.  I want to trust in my training, and I want to trust in myself.  I want my mind to feel as good about this as my body does.  I want this race to be my foundation for starting to not just hope, or believe, but know that I can do this.  I guess I’ll find out in tow days!