My morning journal pages are for me. I never share them. They are three pages of a stream of consciousness. Sometimes, they help me to be creative, a brainstorm of sorts. Sometimes, they help me vent frustrations. Sometimes they make no sense at all. I write my three pages on my ipad, and then I clear them. Gone, for good. On 12/31/22, I did not clear them. I had set a singular, challenging goal for myself, and planned to share it on my YouTube channel. The moment I decided that, an internal battle began. One of self doubt vs breaking away from fear, and on that day I wrote down the internal monologue of the battle. For some reason, I kept it. I don’t know why, but I decided to share it here. The following are my morning pages from 12/21/22 should you care to experience how my mind works sometimes….

“I’m struggling. Today, yesterday, the day before. It’s almost as if my mind and body have gone into self sabotage mode. The moment I decided my goal and I had that small spark of belief in myself, things changed. There was a calm moment. I went into planning mode, like I always do. Once I got the plan written, once I decided my daily and weekly habits, my steps to success, I felt ready. Ready to take on this lofty goal. This thing I wanted for so many years. I envisioned myself, a year from now, in the best shape I’ve ever been in, and then it all started to fade away. It was almost as if I was being pulled out of a dream. I pictured myself now. How far I have to go. Every negative thought, every doubt, every craving, every possible thing to pull me in the opposite direction of my goal set off. I started to sink. I tried to get my mind off it. I had a lot to do. Boxes to tick on my todo list.

Laundry, check. Negative thought. Groceries away, check. Doubts. Take a break, try to watch some YouTube. As soon as it’s quiet they thoughts creep in. I’ll never succeed at this. I’ve tried so many times. Why would now be any different? I am incapable. I am unworthy. I don’t have the support it takes, someone to push me, to tell me what to do. Time to tick some more boxes. Find things to do. They are all done. The list is clear. I am hungry. No, I just want something…. chips. No, not really, but I eat them anyway. See? I knew I would not succeed. I need to tick more boxes. There are always things I can find to do. Clean the cabinet, check. I didn’t even want the chips. I ate them anyway. Why? Re-arrange the clothes in the closet, check. Why did I set this goal? I’ll never reach it. I haven’t before. I’m no different. I will always be this. I am too old. It’s too late to build muscle. I’ll never build muscle, or lose fat. Others have, but they must have something I don’t. Why would I set a single goal, when I know I will fail? Why would I tell people? They will know I won’t succeed. I’m going to fail in front of everyone. More boxes to tick. Getting things done helps keep me occupied. Ticking boxes passes time. Time when the negative thoughts are away, even just for a moment. I’m out of things to do. Here they come again. The thoughts. I should set simpler goals. The feelings. The doubt. The cravings. The images in my mind. I will never succeed.

Why is my mind so against this goal? Is it because if I achieve this, I will no longer be bound by what my mind says I am capable of? Is it because if I achieve this, it will change everything and I’ll know I can do so much more? Or is my mind trying to stop me to save the pain I will experience if I fail, yet again? Does my subconscious mind know something I don’t? Is it a defense mechanism? If I don’t declare this goal, I can’t fail. I can’t experience the pain. Feel some disappointment at giving up today, to spare the pain of failure tomorrow?

I understand now. I get it. I appreciate it. Thank you, mind. For trying to protect me, even in this odd way. I appreciate that this could be painful, and you are trying to stop that. Thank you for keeping me sharp, and acutely aware if my shortcomings. I understand that you are rooted in logic, but I listened to you my whole life and now, I need to dream big. I want to go beyond what logic may say is my limit. I think I can do that now. Thank you for your concern, but I’ll take it from here… “