If you’ve never played, I highly recommend the game Among Us.  It’s a lot of fun.  You and some friends are crew members on a spaceship, but 2 of you will be assigned to be imposters.  If you are the imposter you aren’t really crew members, you are the enemy!  Your mission is to kill the crew members without being found out.  Don’t worry, it’s not really gory or anything, it’s the cutest murder you will ever see.  The graphics are adorable.  I love being assigned the role of imposter.  It’s by far my favorite role in the game, which is ironic because it’s the role I most battle with in the real world.

I’m talking about imposter syndrome. According to Psychology Today, people who struggle with imposter syndrome believe that they are undeserving of their achievements and the high esteem in which they are, in fact, generally held. They feel that they aren’t as competent or intelligent as others might think—and that soon enough, people will discover the truth about them.

I suffer from imposter syndrome especially when it comes to my career. In what I would call my first big job, I worked for a State Farm office as a file clerk.  Eventually, I started learning more and more and eventually became a licensed insurance agent. Even though I passed the same tests as everyone in the office and was good at selling the policies and knew my stuff, I always felt like the file clerk, and “less than” the other agents in the office.

When I started moving up in a company I used to work for, and eventually became the person responsible for the operations,  I credited it to being able to put up with a pain in the ass mafia boss.  I never gave myself credit for running a hundred million dollar company that serviced the largest home improvement chain in the country.  I didn’t give myself credit for going before their board members and selling our services in states we weren’t in before. I never felt like it was my skills that got me there.  I always credited it to something else.

When I transitioned to the IT world, I credited the fact that “I knew a guy”, and he helped me switch careers. When I recently moved from the business side of IT, to becoming more of a developer, imposter syndrome hit again.  When I interviewed, I talked about the business side of my IT work.  The interviewer said “you have great qualifications in that area, but if you could do anything you want, what would it be?”  I answered, “development, with MS Power Platform.”  He said I would have the opportunity to learn and grow, but would likely still have to work on the business side too.  When my first project got assigned, and I was listed as Platform Architect, I nearly passed out!  I immediately spoke with the project lead and said I was suffering from imposter syndrome and it just didn’t feel real.  I mean, how was I going to do this for this client?  He chuckled, and said “if you aren’t suffering from imposter syndrome, you’re doing it wrong, you aren’t pushing yourself enough.  You are right where you should be.  Besides, you can do what we all do, Google how to do it!”  We both cracked up, and I went on to do a great job for the client.

Just recently, I passed what was a really challenging certification for Microsoft, and I kept saying “I don’t know how I passed.” I immediately downplay those successes, because they don’t feel like mine.  They feel like I lucked out in some way, and that someone is going to find out soon and put me back in my place. If I really force myself to have the uncomfortable conversation in my head, I know how I passed the test. I worked damn hard, that’s how. I studied everyday. I took class after class. I took more practice tests than I dare think about, and I learned what I needed to know to pass the test.

When I experience imposter syndrome, I sometime overthink things.  It’s almost like I am trying to prove to myself and everyone else that I really do know what I am talking about, or how to do whatever it is.  Self doubt paired with imposter syndrome make things even worse.  This post is a prime example.  I am not sure at this point how many times I have revised it. I think part of the reason for that is I don’t feel like I have enough knowledge of imposter syndrome, other than my own experience with it, to talk about it. At the end of the day, I just have to keep reminding myself that I can’t know everything and sometimes it’s best to just share my experience anyway….even if it makes me feel a little “sus”.