When I had to have the biopsy, I was told I could not train for a couple of weeks, but not to worry.  I was fit and healthy, I would bounce back.  Then, the surgery and no training for at least 3-4 weeks.  The nurse said, don’t worry honey, you will bounce back in no time!  Then, broken bone in the foot, and 8 weeks in the boot.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  I will bounce back.  Well, I am having trouble getting the height of bounce I expected.  A typical ball bounces because of the material on the outside and the air on the inside.  Have you ever successfully dribbled a basketball with no air in it?  No.  It hits the ground with a thud.   That’s been me, somewhat deflated.

While I haven’t been able to run for 8 weeks, I have been swimming, spinning and doing some strength work.  I’ve been really proud of my effort level in all of this.  In the past, I thought I was pushing myself, but hindsight is always clearer, and I see now that I really had not been.  I’ve been feeling pretty good.  I’ve been feeling strong and accomplished.  That is in all areas except one.  My weight.  I’ve had lots and lots of different doctor appointments and they love to weigh you at each one.  At the first mammogram, I remember thinking “hmm those last 5 or so pounds to my goal weight just won’t come off.”  Then the next appointment “oh crap, maybe a heavy breakfast now has me a couple of pounds more over my goal weight.”  Then it was, “Dang.  ok, 10 pounds over.  What’s the point right now anyway?  I won’t be able to work out now so I know I am going to gain a bit.  Oh well.”

Looking back, I know that as positive as I tried to be, there was something inside that was anything but.   Some part of me was sad, mad, and frustrated.  So much was out of my control and I felt like an innocent bystander caught in a crossfire.  I kind of gave up a little, without even realizing it was happening.  A naughty meal here and there, turned into Zinger Mountain Melts and Dairy Queen more often than I care to think about.  Before I knew it, I gained 15 pounds!  What’s funny, is I don’t feel overweight.  I feel pretty fit actually.  Then, I see a photo of myself.  Or, I go to put something on that I used to love wearing and realize it doesn’t quite fit right.  That’s when it hits me.  Hard.  I distribute my weight evenly, thank goodness, so people don’t quite realize how much I have gained.  I have used the excuse of “doing what makes me happy” because we only live once.  I wanted something, I craved something, and I’d say life should be lived!  Ok, I will have it.  Then I hate that I ate it, and would tell myself the next meal would be healthy.  The cycle would repeat itself, sometimes without me even realizing it.  I have been having this internal battle for months now.

I had told myself that once I started to train, especially when I started to run, the pounds would just melt off.  I had really hoped they would.  I am embarrassed and this is something I hoped would be resolved before feeling the need to even share it.  The truth is, you can’t outrun a bad diet.  Happiness from bad food is fleeting.  That two second pleasure of an amazing chocolate chip cookie is nothing compared to seeing a photo of myself and not wanting to burn it!  I am happiest when I see a photo of myself that looks like I feel.  A photo that accurately represents the fact that I wake up early 6-7 days a week and train.  A photo that shows me looking as strong as I feel.  I had that before, and when I did, I could still have that chocolate chip cookie every now and then.  I had the best of both worlds, but somehow along the line I got deflated and just wasn’t able to bounce back.  I had a great conversation with a friend the other night, and come to find out she goes through the exact same thing.  At least I know I am not crazy, or if I am, I am not alone in my crazy!    After that talk, I got to thinking about why I hadn’t changed things yet.  Maybe I was feeling sorry for myself.  Maybe I was hoping that with all the work, the food wouldn’t matter.  I don’t know, but I decided I was done.  I either want this bad enough or I don’t.  I needed to just snap out of it and do what needs to be done until I get where I want to be.   I started yesterday and I already feel like I’m pumping myself up.