The other day Facebook was kind enough to remind me that I was now only two months from the Las Olas triathlon.   I went about my day without giving it too much thought.  Then, as if to say “um, not the reaction you should have had,” there was another post.  The new post was a video of the race map.  As I watched it, a lump grew in my throat.  My adorable kid began to watch over my shoulder and asked what it was.  When I told him it was the race course, he exclaimed “that’s crazy!”  Well, I have two months….Two months can sound like a lot depending on what you are talking about.  For me, two months sounds way too close for comfort.  Two months is eight weeks.  if I am lucky, I could maybe get in three swims per week.  So far, I haven’t been lucky.  Here’s the link if you would like to view it.  It’s the second one that says “international”: http://www.lasolastri.com/race-maps

I share with you now the crazy internal dialog I have.  I tried to think positive.  Let’s break this down.  First, the swim.  Ok, it will be wetsuit legal and wet suit means more buoyancy.  That’s good.  It’s in the ocean, so while not clear like the pool, a lot better than the green and black abyss of the lake I’ve had to swim in.  Yeah, that is good too.  Then, as usual, I turned to the dark side.  The negative thoughts started to creep in.  The distance is almost three times what I have done in the past.  It’s not like I even did the first distance well to begin with.  The ocean has waves, and waves make breathing more challenging.  I’m doomed!

I tried to turn my thoughts to the bike.  The bike’s not so bad.  I have ridden more than twenty miles before.  I’ve been training.  Yeah, I can do the bike.  If I survive the swim.  Stop.  Don’t go there.  We are focusing on the bike right now.  Well, I am not fast but I can cover the distance.  What if I don’t make the time cut off?  What if I wreck?  The bike route extends way beyond my family can see.  There are some bridges to cross, those are hard too.  What if I get a flat?  I haven’t practiced that.  It’s been a long time since I did more than twenty miles on the actual road.  I’ve been in the comfort of my house on a trainer more than out in the world.  Crap, I was hoping the bike thoughts would cheer me up.

Maybe I should go backwards and start with the run….I love to run.  Running makes me happy.  I’m not fast but I can push myself on the run.  I’ll crush the run, yeah!  Well, hopefully.  I mean, I have done brick work but never after cycling twenty miles on the open road.  I usually work out early in the morning.  What if it’s really hot?  What if I’m totally gassed?  Man, this is not going well.  I was beginning to talk myself into a downward spiral.  I starting thinking of ways out.  Maybe I can call the race people and ask if I can change to just the duathlon.  Maybe I can call and get my race entry changed from the Olympic to the Sprint distance.  Maybe I can just let go of the entry fee and call it a loss.  I decided to stop thinking altogether.  I felt like I was suffocating myself with negativity.

I’m a big believer in things happening for a reason.  I decided to take Hera for a walk and listen to a podcast.  On the podcast there was a professional triathlete that made it to the big time and failed miserably.  Her life was triathlon.  She trained daily, ate right and absolutely pushed herself to the max.  Everything on paper would have lead to her winning it all, but she failed.  She failed her family, her coach and herself.  She fell into a depression and thought that it was all over.  Then she met a coach that completely turned her world upside down.  The coach told her that she was not to set any goals other than what she was doing in that moment.  She was not to work on anything else until she enjoyed what she was doing.  She started her training, hesitant but so low that she was willing to try anything.  They didn’t plan any races for her.  She wasn’t sure when the next time she would compete would be.  A weight had immediately been lifted off her shoulders.  There was no pressure.  No race on the books, and no competition to compare herself to.  She started to really enjoy her training.  She didn’t see any of her numbers,  and before long she was outperforming her old self.  When it came time to race, she had no expectations.  Sure enough, as I am sure you have already figured out, she totally killed it!  I don’t remember the details, but I do remember that she beat anything she had done in the past, and her competition by a long shot.

Her story was inspirational, yes, but the thing that stuck with me is what she said after that.  She said that while she lost that major race, the thing that hurt the most was that she lost the joy of the sport.  She hadn’t looked forward to training, she was there out of obligation.  That stuck with me because I enjoy training, but I have been absolutely dreading this event.  It’s like I can’t wait to get it over with so I can move on.  I had such a miserable time last time that I figured it could and would happen again.  I am creating a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts.  If I loathe the event, if I assume that I will fail miserably, then it won’t be as disappointing when I do just that.  After listening to that podcast, I made a decision to change my outlook.  I am trying to not picture everything that could possibly go wrong.  I am trying to relieve myself of the pressures I put on myself.  Most of all, I am going to try to accept and let go of the fear.  I want to do my best and I know that at the end of the day no matter what happens, my family will be proud.  I should be proud too, because I know that fear or not, fail or not, I will have given it everything I have that day and I want so badly to enjoy it while I do.