I want so badly to be able to crush the swim in my next triathlon.  I want so badly for that next triathlon to be the Turkey Tri in November.  I want so badly to wake up every morning with energy to spare, have amazing days and fall into a deep sleep the moment my head hits the pillow every night…… but we don’t always get what we want.  While that might suck sometimes, we also need to figure out why we aren’t getting what we want.  Is it that we didn’t try enough?  Is it that we want it on the outside, but don’t truly want it on the inside?  Is it that the odds are stacked against us and its that much harder to achieve?  Is it a self proclaimed prophecy of failure?

I started a much more intense training plan (for me) a couple weeks ago.  I figure if I can train for an Olympic distance, I can do really well on the sprint.  That is not always the case, by the way.  Training for a marathon does not make you a better sprint distance runner.  Anyway, I thought it was a good idea for me, and the Olympic distance is not so far off that it makes it impossible.  Saturday was my biggest brick ever!  I did 2:30 on the bike, which resulted in a little over a 27 mile ride, followed by a 20 minute, 2 mile run.  Unfortunately, I did not fuel right, so I had a hard last 30 minutes on the bike, but I was good to go when the run came and felt pretty good.  I was tired, of course but it went well overall and I was really proud that I had finished it and didn’t bail out (I thought about it!).  Later that day, I was completely exhausted.  I tried to take a nap, but that didn’t work out.  I had a dinner planned with some friends so I ended up having a frappucino to get a caffeine and sugar jolt.  Horrible, yes but yummy and served a purpose (right?).  By the end of the evening, I felt like a drunk zombie.  I didn’t drink mind you, I just felt like I had and my body ached.  I knew I pushed, but not hard enough to feel completely sore all over.

Sunday morning, I had planned to not do my scheduled 50 minute bike ride because I knew I was going to be out late, and I had a swim class with the ladies at 9:30.  I tried to sleep in, but that was a bit of a disaster.  I woke up feeling completely spent.  I was tired, weak and felt like anything and everything made me want to scream.  I put all my effort that day into making sure I didn’t fly off the handle at anyone.  I bailed on the swim class.  I knew I wasn’t feeling right but I always have that little voice that tells me I am making excuses and being lazy when I take a day off.  I decided to at least continue my research on the swimming technique I have been studying and to also read some more of the Triathlete’s Training Bible, which I started reading way to late in my training for my first tri.  I figured, at least I would be doing something triathlon related.

Monday came and I went for a run, still not feeling great but it was an easy one, so I was ok.  The workday dragged on.  I generally like what I do and the days go by pretty quickly, but I was miserable.  I could not wait to get home!  I had planned to hit the pool but the drunk zombie syndrome came back.  I got home and D2 had tons of homework to do.  I sat at the table and started to try to help him stay focused.  He was exhausted too.  He was having the hardest time getting through the homework.  At one point, I just put my head down.  I had no idea how to help him at that point.  I was so tired and so sad for him because he was really trying.  We eventually got it all buttoned up with no time to spare before he had to hit the sack.  We agreed that Tuesday would be a better day for both of us and we would have a nice night’s sleep and be fresh again in the morning.

Unfortunately, Tuesday was even worse than Monday!  I slept horrible.  I didn’t even feel my alarm of off on my Garmin and ended up sleeping in.  It’s ok, I told myself.  I would go for a swim on my lunch break since I was working from home.  Sure enough the rain set in and I was not able to.  I got stuck on a call that lasted until 7pm and when I was done, D2 and I had to focus on homework again.  Unfortunately, Darin was committed to a Boy Scouts leadership meeting so he could not be there to help.  D2 and I were both miserable.  At one point, I caught myself resenting his homework because “I could be training right now”.  I was frustrated and so was he.  I told him I needed a minute and thought he did too.  He went to his room to just relax and I did the same.  In that moment, I was mad at myself for being so selfish.  All things considered, I am so very blessed that I can make time to train.  I have a supportive husband and son that don’t mind having breakfast a little late because mom’s on a ride.  They shlep out at 5am to help me get to transition set up, or spend a couple hours of their weekends picking up packets and fuel.  They never complain, they never suggest we do anything but support each other’s endeavors.

D2 had a major headache, and I knew he could not continue anymore.  He had stomach issues and just was not right.  I told him to not worry about the homework and get some sleep.  He had a rough night and I decided to keep him home the following day.  His brain and body needed a recovery day, and so did mine.  I felt ok enough in the morning to go for my build run, so I did.  It felt good and I knew having rested was the right thing to do.  I could have worked remote, but I decided to take the day off and just work on getting him feeling right.  I took him to the doctor to make sure the stomach issues were not anything more (as he had them for a few days) and we spent the day slowly working on all his homework.  While he was working at some points, I went back to reading my training bible.  Sure enough, a few paragraphs in, the writer talks about over training and how too many people beat themselves up when they miss a workout and don’t give themselves enough time to recover.  He went over the signs of overtraining and everyone was applicable to me.  I took a look at my training log and realized that I almost doubled my weekly training hours over the last two weeks since I started the new plan.  I know better than that!  Unfortunately, I hadn’t really added it up to check before I went and did it.  Lesson learned.

Another thing I read, was that you really should determine why your goal is your goal.  Do you want to achieve a PR?  Do you want to be fit?  Do you want to lose weight? etc.  I took a step back to look at everything.  I am a mom, first and forever.  My training is awesome for me, and my family because it keeps me centered, but never does it come before anything they need me for.  Yes, I am the party pooper with my friends because I want to be in bed by 9, but they do fine with that.  I will gladly miss a workout if I can help my little one achieve his goals.  I will gladly miss a workout if he just plain needs time with me.  When all is said and done, he is my reason for everything.

I also took a step back to look at my goals and why I want what I want.  A lot of it is because I am stubborn.  I finished that triathlon and I am happy for that, but I wanted to crush it…..and I didn’t.  I want to make up for what I consider a partial failure.  I want to feel as capable on the swim as I do in the other two (even though I still need a lot of work).  I want to finish it feeling whole!  It’s just a checkbox inside my head that I have this desperate need to check off.  The unfortunate thing is that I keep getting in my own way.  Swimming is what I least want to do because it is what I am worst at.  I actually like it in recreation, but avoid it at all costs sometimes simply because I am not sure I will do well that day.  I have good and bad run days, but for the most part they consist of the same thing.  One foot in front of the other.  I may not be fast, I may have aches but I still run and finish.  Swimming on the other hand is not the same every time.  Some days I feel like I am really getting it, only to feel like it is my first time in the pool and I could drown any minute, the next.

The little checkbox inside my head will probably have to wait.  I don’t think it’s realistic that I will have built those swimming skills enough by November.  It’s not far away and I haven’t really shown I want it bad enough by putting the effort in.  I’m not sure if that is good or bad.  Am I supposed to look on the bright side and say confidently that I will achieve that goal?  Am I supposed to be realistic and say that it would be too difficult?  Is that the self destructive prophecy?  They say if you think you can or if you think you can’t, you are right.   Right now, I think I am not sure.