Life

I feel like I’m that movie, you know the one starring JLO where she marries the perfect guy. Later he starts saying little nasty things, then it escalates and he ends up hitting her and she’s afraid for her and her kid’s lives. She goes out and gets training and then kicks his butt. I’ve been in this relationship for a really long time. I should be able to trust this person above all others but I can’t anymore. It started out with little comments here and there, but over the last two years, things have escalated. It’s become almost constant verbal abuse. I’ve been kind of lost in how to deal with it, and I think I have just been making things worse. Oh, I should probably make sure you know I am not talking about Darin here. I’m talking about myself.

The way we look at, and treat ourselves, is important. I don’t know exactly when or why, but somewhere along the line, I really started treating myself poorly. I would say it is about a year or so ago. It happened gradually. I haven’t been able to pinpoint a situation or thing that happened to spark it. Don’t get me wrong, I have never been filled with utter self praise and confidence, outside of my work that is, but this has been quite the opposite.

This blog is living proof of my lack of belief in myself. I started out so unsure. I could not call myself an athlete. I could not give myself credit for the hard work I was putting in, but for a while there it was getting better. It was like the Matrix, when Neo first confronts the agent. Trinity was like, what is he doing!? Morpheus’ response… “he’s beginning to believe.” If you have no idea what I am talking about, go watch that movie or we can’t be friends anymore. That’s what I felt like for a while. I was really beginning to believe.

I was starting to feel fit. I was starting to feel like an athlete and dare I say a badass. Then something happened and I have been on a downward spiral ever since. I didn’t want to admit it. It’s embarrassing really, but I guess I figure if I am going through it maybe someone else is too. If not, well then I am just embarrassing myself here amongst friends (provided you have seen the Matrix so we can remain friends). I’m stuck in a cycle of self sabotage. I used to get up like clockwork, hop out of bed and workout. Lately, I ask myself more and more what the point is. I tell myself to just give up, and stay in bed. I am still working out, but it’s not the same.

Food is another issue. I used to eat pretty darn clean. I had no issues with turning away garbage. It was second nature. I didn’t give it a thought. I had specific meals picked out for places we frequented so that I knew what to order without the temptation of looking at the menus. Lately, I have been eating more garbage. I do well, and then I find myself eating somewhere and I tell myself there’s no good options (liar) so I just eat whatever. Again, it happened gradually, but it still happened.

The sad workout effort and food choices are bad, but it’s the way I treat myself after that is the real issue. The conversation in my head is nothing less than verbal abuse. I remind myself of the failure over and over. Instead of using it as a learning opportunity, like I used to, I tell myself there is no point. I should just give up. I won’t ever really be athletic. I will never have a really fit and strong body. I don’t have what it takes to get those muscles. I cant’ to push ups or pull ups. Burpees are too hard. It’s too much work and I love french fries too much. I may as well just sleep in and eat bon bons. I’ll spare you the really harsh stuff, but it gets bad.

I feel like I fell into a hole and can’t get myself back out. Every branch I try to pull myself up on breaks, and I fall further. Every foothold slips. I know things that didn’t happen overnight can’t just be undone in a day, but I have felt like the little steps aren’t enough. I’ve tried focusing on getting just one thing right, but for me, that’s not enough. I want everything to be on point. I feel like anything less is a failure, and I keep reminding myself of it way too often.

So, how do I get out of this hole? I’m not sure yet. I was hoping that getting this off my chest would help as a first step. I usually feel really good when I spill my thoughts, but posting it is a lot harder than I expected. I guess I am going to turn to what I do best, analysis and planning. I have a half marathon Saturday, which I don’t feel adequately prepared for. After that, I’m going take the rest of the weekend to come up with a plan, set some new goals and try to map my way to where I want to be.

I read a book a while back that suggested always talking yourself as if you were a different person. Sounds crazy, I know, but I would never say the things I say to myself to another person. I wouldn’t judge my worst enemy as harshly as I judge myself, nor would I treat them as poorly. One of the first things I need to do is change how I talk to myself. I’m sure much of the rest will follow, it’s just easier said than done. This post now acts as an accountability buddy of sorts. Hopefully the thought of having to come back in here and post an update helps keep me motivated. At this point, I will take all the help I can get! Wish me luck, and unicorn farts. Lots of unicorn farts.

Since the first day of camp, I was waiting for that aha moment, my epiphany. It was like Christmas eve. You know something good is coming and you just can’t wait. I was bursting with anticipation, watching the clock, just waiting for it to happen. I had so hoped it would be at that first day at the lake and the rest of camp would play out like some movie montage. The clouds would part and this ray of light would shine down on me as the triathlon angels sang. The light would pick me up off the ground and fill me with an energy that could only be compared to what you see in the comic books. I would be lowered slowly to ground and open my eyes, very dramatically like in the movies, and I would know right then and there that this sport was for me and fear would no longer consume my swims. I would, in that moment, be full of confidence and move forward with purpose, sign up for my next race and crush it.

Sadly, that moment never came. I assumed that if it didn’t, then I would walk away with the understanding that I tried everything I could and this sport just isn’t for me. I mean, it’s really three sports anyway, all of which I struggled with at some point. Maybe it just wasn’t in the cosmos and I would finally come away with knowing that deep in my heart of hearts, whatever that means. That didn’t happen either. So now what?

I took some time after that final day to think on it. I went through a range of emotions and I began asking myself some questions. Did I enjoy camp? Yes. Would I do it again? Maybe. Do I regret it? Heck no! Ok, so it was definitely a good thing. What did I enjoy about it? My answer surprised me more than I expected… the people. I met some really amazing, kind and encouraging people. I know, me the non people person. What else? I learned a lot. I learned that not all people suck. I reaffirmed my knowledge that doing things out of my comfort zone and taking risks always pays off in some way or another. I learned that my perception of my coach was accurate. He sucks in the most awesome way. He cares, and he’s a wizard. He somehow knows when to give me a push, and knows when to let me off the hook because I need it. I learned that my swim form is actually pretty good. I learned that some of these people that I watched out there looking like professionals, started just as scared as I did. I learned that I am way harder on myself than I need to be. I learned that I can make it up crazy hills if I just chill out and put in the work. I learned that I phone in my workouts a little too often. I’m not being hard on myself, just a fact check and something I need to work on. I learned that I can go downhill at just over 25mph and not die! I learned to lock your car doors even if you think there is nothing of value inside. I learned that Jet Blue, who used to be good, now sucks.

I never got that aha moment that I so desperately wanted. The clouds didn’t part, no angels sang and I still have no idea if I really want to keep doing triathlon. Sometimes we don’t get what we want, but what we get exactly what we need. What I needed was the reminder that this is supposed to be fun, not something I criticize and beat myself up over. I realized, thanks to a lot of impactful things said by my coach, that what I need to work on most is being kind to myself. I need to stop the negative talk, be far less critical and put more energy into believing in myself and enjoying it. No breakthrough swim, no epiphany, no magic pill I can purchase or is going to give me that. It all comes down to putting in the work and knowing I am worth the effort.

So Possible´

I’m in an abusive relationship

Camp Lessons and the Aha Moment