I feel like I’m that movie, you know the one starring JLO where she marries the perfect guy.  Later he starts saying little nasty things, then it escalates and he ends up hitting her and she’s afraid for her and her kid’s lives.  She goes out and gets training and then kicks his butt.  I’ve been in this relationship for a really long time.  I should be able to trust this person above all others but I can’t anymore.  It started out with little comments here and there, but over the last two years, things have escalated.  It’s become almost constant verbal abuse.  I’ve been kind of lost in how to deal with it, and I think I have just been making things worse.  Oh, I should probably make sure you know I am not talking about Darin here.  I’m talking about myself.

The way we look at, and treat ourselves, is important.  I don’t know exactly when or why, but somewhere along the line, I really started treating myself poorly.  I would say it is about a year or so ago.  It happened gradually.  I haven’t been able to pinpoint a situation or thing that happened to spark it.  Don’t get me wrong, I have never been filled with utter self praise and confidence, outside of my work that is, but this has been quite the opposite.  

This blog is living proof of my lack of belief in myself.  I started out so unsure.  I could not call myself an athlete.  I could not give myself credit for the hard work I was putting in, but for a while there it was getting better.  It was like the Matrix, when Neo first confronts the agent.  Trinity was like, what is he doing!?  Morpheus’ response… “he’s beginning to believe.”  If you have no idea what I am talking about, go watch that movie or we can’t be friends anymore.  That’s what I felt like for a while.  I was really beginning to believe.

I was starting to feel fit.  I was starting to feel like an athlete and dare I say a badass.  Then something happened and I have been on a downward spiral ever since.  I didn’t want to admit it.  It’s embarrassing really, but I guess I figure if I am going through it maybe someone else is too.  If not, well then I am just embarrassing myself here amongst friends (provided you have seen the Matrix so we can remain friends).  I’m stuck in a cycle of self sabotage.  I used to get up like clockwork, hop out of bed and workout.  Lately, I ask myself more and more what the point is. I tell myself to just give up, and stay in bed. I am still working out, but it’s not the same.

Food is another issue.  I used to eat pretty darn clean.  I had no issues with turning away garbage.  It was second nature.  I didn’t give it a thought.  I had specific meals picked out for places we frequented so that I knew what to order without the temptation of looking at the menus.  Lately, I have been eating more garbage.  I do well, and then I find myself eating somewhere and I tell myself there’s no good options (liar) so I just eat whatever.   Again, it happened gradually, but it still happened.

The sad workout effort and food choices are bad, but it’s the way I treat myself after that is the real issue.  The conversation in my head is nothing less than verbal abuse.  I remind myself of the failure over and over.  Instead of using it as a learning opportunity, like I used to, I tell myself there is no point.  I should just give up.  I won’t ever really be athletic.  I will never have a really fit and strong body.  I don’t have what it takes to get those muscles.  I cant’ to push ups or pull ups.  Burpees are too hard.  It’s too much work and I love french fries too much.  I may as well just sleep in and eat bon bons.  I’ll spare you the really harsh stuff, but it gets bad.

I feel like I fell into a hole and can’t get myself back out. Every branch I try to pull myself up on breaks, and I fall further.  Every foothold slips.   I know things that didn’t happen overnight can’t just be undone in a day, but I have felt like the little steps aren’t enough.  I’ve tried focusing on getting just one thing right, but for me, that’s not enough.  I want everything to be on point.  I feel like anything less is a failure, and I keep reminding myself of it way too often. 

So, how do I get out of this hole?  I’m not sure yet.  I was hoping that getting this off my chest would help as a first step.  I usually feel really good when I spill my thoughts, but posting it is a lot harder than I expected. I guess I am going to turn to what I do best, analysis and planning.  I have a half marathon Saturday, which I don’t feel adequately prepared for.  After that, I’m going take the rest of the  weekend to come up with a plan, set some new goals and try to map my way to where I want to be.

I read a book a while back that suggested always talking yourself as if you were a different person.  Sounds crazy, I know, but I would never say the things I say to myself to another person.  I wouldn’t judge my worst enemy as harshly as I judge myself, nor would I treat them as poorly. One of the first things I need to do is change how I talk to myself. I’m sure much of the rest will follow, it’s just easier said than done. This post now acts as an accountability buddy of sorts.  Hopefully the thought of having to come back in here and post an update helps keep me motivated.  At this point, I will take all the help I can get! Wish me luck, and unicorn farts. Lots of unicorn farts.